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Tag Archives: restless

A Magician Knows

sleight-of-hand-magician

 

I can’t think about it. If I think about it, I feel and if I feel it…

I miss it.
I start missing my heart before it was covered in scars and I miss him when we had no lives to get on with. I miss her and her outrageous laugh and the way she looked up to me.
I miss being looked up to.
I miss the freshness of my blood and the way every feeling hit me like an electric shock. Every breath would fill the outline of my chest, take it’s time on the soft parts of my mouth, and become an invisible cloud I could still somehow see.

If I think about it, I’m older. I know more and I’ve felt so much and I know how to keep things at bay. Every arm’s length-distance I place between me and whatever-it-is makes me wish I could go back to how I was before I hated things touching my heart.

Maybe I’m not as messy as I once was. Though, was it all bad to be that raw to the world? To drink from a glass and let it dance from the edge to your tongue and feel it like it was the first time?

I can wield my words like magic, but what’s the use if I know the secret behind the tricks?

Maybe I want to be awed by it, too.

I want to feel for the first time, again.

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Sweet Dreams

And, God, my eyes feel so tired. They just want to slip closed and never open. I need a sleep that isn’t for the breathing, a sleep that never ends.

So cold my soul’s been; so alone and untouched – so bare.

I can feel the ache deep in my bones, the hurting that stretches all the way through.

It’s hard to sleep, I toss and I turn throughout the night and I wake up feeling empty – multiple times a night.  When my eyes are open and I’m conscious, I feel so drained, so used up and just done. So completely done.

My heart hangs heavy in my chest and the weight bears down on me like an anchor keeping me tied down, making it hard to move.

So move I try not to do. I try not to think, not to be aware because being aware hurts. Everything hurts so I’ve come to lie down and rest because sleep has been so hard to get and I just don’t want to ache any more.

I want to breathe and not feel a pressure on my chest. I want to sleep and wake because it’s time. I want to feel alright.