We tear our skin off so that our souls are bare and when they touch it feels electric. I feel the pulse of my heart and I wonder if you feel it too; I swear it takes up the whole room.
Your hands are on me and I try my damnedest not to think of him. My eyes fight to stay locked onto yours so I don’t lose myself in dreams of the past I can’t seem to shake off. I don’t think you see it that way.
You tell me things so sweet it make my eyes water and I try so hard not to hear his voice. I know I can’t say them back. I know you know it, too.
I haven’t been able to understand why you accept so little.
We dance like lovers do and I breathe you in to the best of my ability. In, out. In a little deeper. Hold. Exhale. I pray this silent wish is granted.
Side by side we lay, our limbs intertwined and mixed like they were meant to be that way. We look like an art piece and I think it looks a little sad. I wonder if you see it, too. But I don’t ask.
I could never pry my lips open wide enough to make anything in my mind a reality. I ignore the beat of my heart and try to get lost in yours.
I sink into you and I’m so glad you pull me closer. I empty my lungs in a desperate attempt to let myself be pulled so far in I melt into your skin, into your bones, into your life. I want to let you breathe for me because I can only seem to find toxicity every time I open my mouth.
When your eyes close and your breathing evens out, I whisper my love for you until my throat runs dry. Maybe if I say it enough it’ll find it’s way into reality. Maybe if I wish hard enough, it’ll come true.
I love you I love you I love you.
The sinkhole of my mouth,
the tragic words I whisper
when his eyes close for the night.
I never tell him I feel like lost tupperware
hidden somewhere on the top shelf,
in the very back.
When the connection feels lost and
somewhere along the lines
he could no longer feel me,
it’s heartbreaking to say my fingertips
still remember the skin of his back
when he lied down facing away from me.
He said I stopped looking at him
the same, but his image is still burned
into the back of my head,
and I will think of him every night
he no longer sleeps beside me,
and I will feel the lack of his presence
every time the bed doesn’t dip
from his weight. He said he no longer
knew if I loved him.
I will carry the weight of my failure,
of the love I never learned to express,
and the burden of my closed lips.
I wonder if he can feel me shiver in the middle
of the night when I’m lost in dreams you made into nightmares.
I wonder if he notices the way I trace
the ink on my skin and picture a hand of the past.
If I could I would make so many promises,
but I don’t trust myself to keep them.
My tongue has turned into ivy and they
wrap around words too soft for me to bear.
My skin has added a few layers from the cold
you left me with and I forget how soft
I used to be. That’s the thing, though.
You’ve taken who I used to be,
and twisted it.
His hands trace every scar I’m laced with,
kisses each dent and jagged edge as though
he could somehow fix my broken bits.
The worst part is, though,
I let him.
All I can think about is watching the sunset with a glass of something sweet.
Then we slow dance our way inside where you let me read your palms and you attempt to read mine. The florescent light from the kitchen bathes us in yellow and we slow dance in our bare feet on the cool tile.
The forever-present weight on my chest finally doesn’t feel so threatening and I can breathe right now with you. Tomorrow can dance before my eyes and I can sigh with a soft comfort in the safety of your arms.
Somehow we make it up the stairs and fall into old dreams still lingering in our sheets. Our fingers intertwine and we lose sense of who is who and all I know is I’m complete.
All I can think about is our love.
Don’t lose yourself in the way he loves you. He kisses you because he can; it’s not because you align his stars or keep his blood warm.
When your eyes close in the familiar darkness of his room, don’t get caught up in the way it feels like home. It is a place to rest your head next to his, not an escape from your world. This isn’t a reprieve and he is not a safe haven.
Yours arms can wrap around him and as much as your heart wants to jump into him, it is still yours. It’s okay to love – it is always okay to love – but remember, please, that you are more than your love for him.
He can whisper into your hair until his lungs give out, but words are just letters and sounds and they are just as easily said as lies. Please, just be smart. Everything can be broken, from his words, to your heart.
The stars can glitter all they like, and feel free to toss them your wishes. Just don’t waste your wishes on him. If only one ever gets granted, know it’s okay to be selfish and let it be in your best interest.
I kissed you, when every word I could think of was just too damn difficult to say. Words have never been easy but, dammit, I could kiss you hard enough to show everything through that one action. Don’t you dare tell me otherwise.
My breath would catch in my throat and my mouth would go dry. My heart would beat like a jackhammer and I would feel every flood of emotion in my blood. And I could still show it in every kiss.
Fingertips trailing on your skin, did you know I spelled out every word I felt over and over until it didn’t make sense?
I won’t talk about the maybe’s. I won’t talk about the could-have-been’s, what-if’s, and I-wonder’s.
But I can still recite the love that made up every cell from the moment I fell for you. It could still pour out of my mouth like I was never broken. They might not be pieced back together for you, but they could be created again. Under new management, anyway.
And I will close my eyes and tilt my head to the skies and pray for a new love in my pulse. My tongue will twist in my mouth until it can finally make the phrase anew: I love you.
Every heartbeat I feel is just a ticking clock counting down until my world explodes in new color that makes my blood boil and my mind soothe. Something so conflicting and calming and chaotic that it will take my breath away until all I can gasp for is the air from that connection.
Da Duh. Da Duh. Da Duh.
The clock is just counting down.
You whisper your prayers into my skin like I’m the god you stopped believing in. I can only hold you tightly and hope that whatever you want is meant to be.
You have your beliefs, and I have mine, but I’m not so stubborn as to think I have to be right. Or you have to be wrong.
Love drips from every word I speak in your direction but I find my lips numb far too often. My tongue twists in knots and I overfill in the form of tears. Frustration sets in and I hope you know I’m not mad at you.
The heart in my chest rages on like the seas and the storm in my blood never settles. My glass skin feels much too like ice and I’m sorry I always come off so cold. I haven’t found a fire warm enough to melt me. I don’t know how to shed this armor.
I feel you growing restless and I feel you toss and turn at night. My arm only reaches out when you’ve left the bed and I’m sorry I’m afraid of the pulse in my veins.
I’ve got apologies falling from my head and filling up the empty spaces around me, but I don’t know how to explain them to you. I both need to, and can’t, let you know how I feel. But I can’t seem to let go of this fear.
My mind conjures up monsters that hide in the shadows and sometimes they look like you. It’s not you that makes me flinch, it’s the shadow that feigns you instead. I just have yet to spot the differences.