She lost herself somewhere when she lost him.
Hers knees scratched from falling, her eyes red from the culmination.
It was a devastation how the world seemed to go unphased when she felt her heart crumble every time it contracted in her chest. All she could remember was the happiness that she had lost, and time and time again she looked for it where she had lost it.
His arms opened, but his heart remained closed and every time her lips found his again, she hoped it would convince him to let her back in; but it never did.
Aches and pains were all she found when there was nothing more than empty touches and halfhearted kisses. That awful reminder of her lost happiness reminded her of what she had, so still she tried and tried and tried to find it in the place it was lost. Still she was without.
She forgot what it was like before him, and without him seemed unbearable. Her heart cradled itself in the memories but the bruises never healed and there was no sign of being stitched up.
The worst part was that she couldn’t seem to free herself from the burden she was placing on herself, and his half-acceptance was too much to give up. So she held on.
The thing about holding onto something that isn’t really there, is that you’re not really holding on at all. Her fingers tried to grasp what wasn’t there and she had nothing to hold onto. Enough time of free-falling and it still took his real exit for her to catch herself. He would never be at the bottom for her, so she had to be her own knight.
Her chest as heavy as bricks, she put bandages on her knees, she wiped her eyes, and somehow she left him sitting on the edge of her bed while she let it burn.
The smoke left marks on the walls and the smell continues to stay, but it fades slowly – and it will be gone eventually.
It hurts, but it’s getting better. It doesn’t hurt to smile anymore and for that she is bitterly thankful.
She just wished she knew at the beginning of the end to not look for happiness where she lost it.
Because it can’t be found there.