I wonder if he can feel me shiver in the middle
of the night when I’m lost in dreams you made into nightmares.
I wonder if he notices the way I trace
the ink on my skin and picture a hand of the past.
If I could I would make so many promises,
but I don’t trust myself to keep them.
My tongue has turned into ivy and they
wrap around words too soft for me to bear.
My skin has added a few layers from the cold
you left me with and I forget how soft
I used to be. That’s the thing, though.
You’ve taken who I used to be,
and twisted it.
His hands trace every scar I’m laced with,
kisses each dent and jagged edge as though
he could somehow fix my broken bits.
The worst part is, though,
I let him.
I want to say happy birthday
to everyone I didn’t wish it to
I want to say you meant something
to those I never got around to,
while they were still around
You don’t regret the things you do,
only the things you don’t
and I have so much
that I never did
We come across old friends and lovers,
a slap in the face and reminder of who we were
they will always have that image of you
no matter how much you’ve changed
They bump into you on the street, in stores,
they send you messages online and post comments
and you know they don’t know you
but you smile and say something polite anyway
they deserve so much after who you were
Flipping through old photographs
until they become new and present
only then might you realize how many people
have come and gone
and the ways you’ve morphed into someone
Now you wonder how they’ve changed
and you hope that they have;
you only befriend those like you,
and thank goodness you’ve changed –
it’s all for the better
so you hope that they’ve changed,
and that they’re all the better
I sat in the silence of the house for a little while, decided after just a few minutes that it was too lonely, and turned the music back on.
The silence screams in my head that I’m alone, and often just knowing that hurts. When I thought I had started growing up I guess I didn’t take into consideration how wrong that was. I am still the small child terrified of the abandonment that seems to always come. I try not to expect it anymore, but I still fear it. Fearing it, though, is a lot like fearing the next blink of your eye – it will eventually have to close.
Temporary stages in life are what I have now started to get accustomed to. These people I surround myself with, these beautiful friends and loves I introduce into my life, are all temporary. I fear, because I know this, I never let anyone close enough for me to even consider keeping permanently. I knew I had walls for defenses, but I seemed to have overlooked the electric fence after it.
My soul has been untouched for a while and I think that’s what is the mostly lonesome.
I’m lacking a connection that resonates somewhere further into me than this place I feign is the inner most me.
eventually it all ends;
the start, the love, the smiles,
the laughter, the jokes, the sun rises,
the sun sets, the hurt,
the anger, the loss, the pain,
the way you feel
but there’s always that beginning
right around the corner,
poking it’s head out with a shy smile
asking if you’re ready for something new,
something a little different
even with the familiar-unfamiliar face,
you don’t know what it will bring
and you’re a little scared
but really, who wouldn’t be –
it just has to be taken with
empty, unsuspecting hands
because it’s all a gamble
but it’s always worth it –
beginnings always end, but
there’s the potential for so much
It’s amazing how strangers turn into friends and friends turn into strangers. Just a little bit of time thrown in between either could cause such changes. Suddenly you have a good friend. Suddenly you realize you lost one.
Things change so rapidly right before your eyes and you see nothing different until you take a step back and really pay attention. Small changes add up when there’s so many and suddenly nothing’s the same as it was. Suddenly you find your whole life has changed.
It’s like walking throw a door and finding how you fit in there, then looking back and seeing the door has been shut. All you can do is move forward and try not to miss what was. How quickly things change and how quickly we adapt. But how much we can miss and think back on the past.
The past is thought of as years ago, maybe more. It’s never thought of a few weeks ago, or even a few days. But things change in such little time that even a few weeks ago, a few months or days, you were different than now.
I have a new face, and new mind, and new train of thought. I have the same feelings and hopes and dreams, but new ones mixed in. I am not as I was just a few days, weeks, or months ago.
It’s time for discovery.