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Tag Archives: beauty

War Paint

Sometimes, I want to paint my face pretty.

Dye my hair a different color – any other color, something not my own.

The mirror shines my face back at me and I notice everything that needs to be fixed. I notice the color of my skin, the scars, the lines and wrinkles, the bone structure, my nose. I think about what would make it better, prettier. I think about how I’m not better, prettier.

I daydream about makeup and pretty skin. I fantasize about being what I’m not.

I have to build myself up every time I don’t pick up the brush, or apply foundation. I have to forget my face every time I step outside.

Most of the time, I want to be pretty.

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Gun-Shy

I pray for forgiveness at the heart of the body I don’t belong in
The words don’t feel right and they don’t sound like me
But that’s probably because I was never the type to apologize
x
Still his arms find their way around me and his voice is in my hair
If I shut my eyes tightly, I can pretend I’m someone who deserves it,
I can pretend I didn’t show him the wreck of him I just made
And act like it wasn’t my fault, like I can’t believe that even happened
x
His words are meant to soothe but it pricks at my skin like thorns;
Even in this softness that is him, it still feels like sandpaper
My fingers grip onto his shirt and my eyes hurt and my bones ache
xx
I can never tell if he is the source of this pain or it’s just me,
But it could never be him because he is the only thing beautiful I have
And my eyes need to rest on him after having so much ugliness
x
Love was supposed to be beautiful, it was supposed to be lightening
Yet it slithers in my blood and turns me into something ugly and it hurts
Because he is so beautiful and I am nothing but bad for him
x
So in this place where he loves me, I will destroy all that he is
It’s all that I’ve ever been capable of and even in my desire,
The only beauty I will ever create will be the destruction of this love

When did beauty get so important?

I feel you falling against my skin

Hips against hips

And I feel beautiful

Our breaths mingle together

Much like our bodies

I think I confuse love for lust

But, God, do I love you –

Wait, want you –

Touch my soul like my body

Touch my inner being

Touch my –

Touch me with your eyes

Your laugh, your mind, your thoughts

But, please,  whatever you do

Keep making me feel beautiful


My Garden

My insides bloom with flowers

They hide under my hair and beneath my clothing

I once showed them to others

And often they’d be lightly touched,

Grazed by soft fingers

But growing up has harshened the wind

And petals were plucked and trampled upon

So I shield them from the dangers outside

And if you ever see a glint of color from behind my lips

Through the film of my eyes,

Or the flowery scent of my breath

Do not mistake it for weakness, vulnerability

I protect myself, and nothing is coincidence

It’s trust that I’ve chosen to give you


To Be Beautiful

I remember watching her put her makeup on in the yellow light of the bathroom. With every color she put on her face, every line and smear, I knew she thought in the back of her mind that she would never be beautiful. No amount of makeup would make her feel worthwhile.

There were a few times I would tell her how pretty I thought she was, and she would smile like it meant something, but her silence and hard look in her eyes when she stared at herself was enough to let me know what she thought about that. It was hard for me to love her as much as I wanted to because she would never believe anything that left my mouth. I tried to tell myself it had nothing to do with the lies that had stained it.

Red lips and thicker eyelashes and a darker lining of them – those would give her enough confidence to smile before she left. When she returned from wherever she had left to, she would wipe her second face off, refusing the whole while to look at who was underneath. My heart squeezed in my chest when I watched her and I wanted nothing more than to give her my eyes just so she could look without disgust.

I couldn’t say I never wore any, myself. I liked my lips as red as hers, but I liked the paleness, too. I liked to coat my eyelashes in a thick black, but I liked them without, too. The mirror wasn’t a foe I hated, or feared or loathed. It was just something to show me what I was and it wasn’t anything I couldn’t accept.

Sometimes, though, I would look at myself and try to find her in the pieces of me. If I stared long enough, I would have her defined upper lip. I would have that same curve in an almost-smile in my still face. I would have her strong eyes.

When I would see her avoiding the mirror, physically turn her head at it, I would have to clench my jaw from yelling out. My tongue would coil in my mouth wanting to let her know that she was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen and I would give anything for her face. I would give anything for her flaws and she couldn’t even look at herself.

So I would wait for that strained smile in the morning and wait for her to wash her face at night. Then I would bask in her light. Then I could forgive her for her self-shunning. Then I could love her as much as I wanted to.


Beauty

Staring at yourself for hours trying

To find something to tell you you’re beautiful

And worthy and something just a little special

But those blue eyes are so filled with hopelessness

That it scares you to look any longer

Still you look at the way your eyes curve

The pinkness of your lips and the smooth parts

Of your skin that you can see from the mirror

Just because you feel hopeless doesn’t mean it’s not hidden

Even if it’s just somewhere deep down

And it’s not that I need someone to make me feel

Beautiful – that’s not it at all

Just sometimes I need a new pair of eyes

Because mine get tired from the same reflection

That never seems to bring good news

And the angle of my jaw, even the length of my neck

Doesn’t make me feel anything close to beautiful


Let me be your canvas.

Like ink you stain my skin
A permanent attachment of you, on me
And I feel beautiful with your breath in my hair
And your hands on my waist
You color my face in these hues
These beautiful hues that take you back
To that one moment in time, that singular incident
That made you taste your heartbeat
That shocked your system because the blood
Was rushing so furiously and you knew
You were so alive it was scary
But exhilarating all at once and it was
Just about overwhelming
Kiss me with your paintbrush lips and cover me
In all of these hues that make me feel beautiful
Hold me like artwork you’re scared to lose
And you will never lose me