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My Night and Day

It’s been a while since she’s held me in her arms. I’ve known those arms my whole life and I feel the coldness when they’re far away. I don’t see her smile everyday and I don’t hear her voice, sometimes even weekly.

I easily idolize her; so strong and somehow still sweet and gentle. So determined, so hardworking, and never afraid to get what she wants. I didn’t get a lot of her traits, but I love the ones I did.

I can feel my heartbeat easily in my chest and the feelings I harbor can seem too much, but I have them. They’re a treasure I don’t know where to put, but I would hate losing. She gave me her heart and it’s much stronger than I think I am, than I think I probably deserve.

But of course I won’t tell her that.

I’ll tell her that I love her, I miss her, I can’t wait to see her. I’ll tell her only truths, but forgive me if I don’t share everything I could. I get so tired of sharing so much bad – I want you to know I’m making it.

I am coping so much better.

The phone is cool in my hand and I stare at her name in black letters on a white screen. A few minutes away from hearing her voice, but I’m busy and she’s busy and we’re both tired. So very tired. What’s another few days? But please, know I think of you always.

I hope she knows I think of her always. I try to let my love drip from every word I tell her. She’s the only one I can so easily use soft words with. I can take her hand, kiss it, and tell her she’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever known.

My mouth closes and my throat tightens when softness tries to come out to anyone else. I guess it takes time now for that to happen. And she’s the only one who’s stayed for so long. The only one.

She is the strength I try to have, and she is the love I try to keep.

She makes me feel like I’m okay.

I am okay.

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