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Every Time

We fall into bed time and time again and I let myself feel whatever it is I feel.

I feel your skin against mine, the pressure of your lips, the gaze of yours eyes. I feel the way my heart beats and the way my blood pressure rises and I feel the way my love takes hold.

Sometimes I don’t know if you love me and sometimes I wonder if I can love someone else yet, but most of the time I just want to feel anything at all.

Almost all of the time I want you to love me back.

I dance with the pieces of you that you give me and I try to make my own picture out of them. They can be bent and folded and they can fit into my life, at least for right now. Luckily, right now is all I need; even if it’s not all that I want.

I can find you in bits of me and I can hold them close and tightly and wish wishes I know I shouldn’t, but I do because I can and right now it feels right.

Then you leave and I’m left in this empty bed with the absence of you and I refuse to move on when I let you back in. A night spent intertwined in the sheets together makes me crave it for every night and I know I still miss you, even as I’m getting better and looking at other men because that’s what I need to do to get over you.

But then we fall into bed time and time again and I know I will not get over you. I know I can never get over you when I feel your skin on mine and something in me called love refuses to turn you away.

At the end of it all, I am still alone in my room with the memory of you lingering on the walls and clinging to the covers.

And still I reach for the phone and still I love you.

Still I am so in love with you.

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