Because I’ve been very stressed lately, and so worried about my future and where it’s leading me right now, and because I feel like I have no one to really talk to, I’ve turned to my tarot cards for some help.
They tell me my sleep is only going to get worse with what’s weighing heavily on me (which scares me because I don’t want my insomnia to come back – I can at least get a few hours in and would like to keep it that way, thank you) and they’ve also told me a big change needs to happen, which also scares me. I don’t know what kind of change and I actually didn’t ask about what that might be, probably just too scared of what the answer might be if I get one, so instead I asked if I should talk to someone to try to get some help.
The cards have said that being alone and trying to work on my own with this will come to no good, so I asked if I should call my mother. I’m afraid she would be disappointed in how I’m feeling and how unhappy I am with my job and that I don’t want this stable, really lucky job I have. But they told me I should. They were basically screaming positivity about that question.
But she didn’t answer the phone. I think she might call me later, I don’t know. I wanted to wait for the weekend so I’d have time and she’d have time (and neither one of us would be so tired, like we usually are after work) but I’m faltering so much that it scares me. My breath wells up in my throat and my heartbeat stutters when I think about how I’m feeling for too long. I am so unhappy and so terribly scared of life. I don’t want this, and I don’t know what to do because I don’t want anything else, either.
Except to write, I must include that. But I feel like that want is futile and insignificant and an impossible destination because I don’t have enough conviction to actually get anywhere with it.
I don’t know if I can be unhappy with my job for my whole life, just to have money. But I don’t know what to do; I don’t know what my options are, if I even have any.