Days don’t look like much, do they? They’re not very long, pass by pretty fast – but then you look back and it’s been a year. A year and a half. And it’s only adding up. It’s hard to think I’ll only see my mother once a year. It’s hard to believe two years ago was the last time I would see my baby sister for her birthday.
Isn’t it funny that we’re all in a hurry to grow up and yet we never really realize what that means until we can’t take it back? Suddenly I’m on the other side of the country in a small state with a huge city and I hate it. And it’s hard and you never knew how hard life was until you were right here and it was happening. And it’s happening, isn’t it?
The thing is, it’s been hard since day one. It’s easier some days, sure, but now it seems to just be hard.
There are so many things I’d change if I could go back in time to redo everything, but I can’t. I can only move forward and I don’t know what step to take. I can barely manage to put one foot in front of the other because I’m so terrified of growing up any more because I’ve come to the conclusion that it sucks and it’s lonely and I’m still trying to make it day-by-day without all of the other stress of being so secluded and… Stranded.
I get called strong but how can that be? When I hold all of this in my head, how is that strong? When breathing becomes scary because you can really feel it, how is that strong? I guess I’m still breathing though, aren’t I? Is that what makes me strong?
I don’t get it.
I think I’m getting more and more lost as the days go by. I think I’m feeling more and more alone the more people I see. I don’t feel very strong and I wish I had someone to talk to.
In the midst of growing up and trying to find my way in this world, it seems I’ve slithered my way farther and farther from the people I used to know. It seems I’ve lost a few friends and have made close to none.
My heart is getting heavier and heavier and I’m not sure my two small hands can carry it.