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Habits

Another night, another pair of hands and another pair of lips. He gives me a little something to do to my lungs and it goes straight to my head. He doesn’t seem to mind me just lying there and I can barely feel him on my skin anymore. I’m floating and it’s nice and I don’t even have to think about anything other than what’s right in front of me. He looks like the one from last night, just a little gruffer and a little less caring. This is better than anything else.

The water feels nice and kind of like I’m floating. I hear stars twinkle around my head and it feels just like I’m in the ocean. I can’t remember when he left but suddenly I feel the empty silence that echoes off the walls. I can feel you creeping up on me so I take another hit and the loneliness fades just a little bit. This is better than anything else.

I flick on whatever he was watching and I see shuddering bodies so I drink what I have and stare. I don’t know how long I’ve been alone but it feels like it’s been much too long. Another hit when I feel you lingering nearby.

My body doesn’t feel like mine anymore and it’s pressed against sweating bodies and the lights are blinding. I see flashes of smiles and your face seems to be everywhere. Something’s in my hands and I smoke it down trying to do anything to get you to go away. I can’t miss you so I let him kiss me. He pretends there is no tan line on his finger so I ignore it too. I’ll let him take me away and I’ll let him do whatever. I can’t go home alone again and this is better than anything else.

I have to do anything to keep you away and numb the pain. Anything is better than missing you. So I’ll smoke and I’ll drink and I’ll binge and I’ll throw it all up because this is better than anything else. Because this is better than missing you. Because this keeps you off my mind.

A haze is better than feeling without. Can’t go home alone and I have to stay high.

This is better than anything else.

Without you.

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