You can taste all those words again. You can hear them being repeated over and over and over and it will never be enough. They’re so loud you can’t sleep. You can’t think. And the whiskey in your glass won’t soothe you. Your dreams are wracked with her and even though you know you deserve every bad thing, you can’t help yourself. You want and you want and you take what you can and you hurt others because they probably deserve it. You lie and you cheat and you’re a snake and she should have never wanted you in the first place.
But you would have thrown that all away, torn yourself down and created yourself new. You would have promised her anything you could give and you would have said words you thought you’d never mean. You would have worn a ring and stood in a church you know you had no business being in.
All you can think about is her. The smell of her skin and the way her lips curved when she smiled. Her brash laugh and the way her neck stretched whenever her head was thrown back.
The burn almost feels good going down your throat. You’re wallowing and you know you shouldn’t be. This isn’t like you. You have no heart and you don’t care and you don’t even know what love is.
And still all you think about are her hands tracing the lines in your palm, pretending to read a future that was too bright to be yours. When your eyes close you only see her and her smile and you wish you never saw those tears. You wish you never took your time when you kissed her. You wish you never ran your hand on her skin just to feel.
Deep in your wasted heart, though, you know you really wish you had never let her leave.
Even if you wished on every falling star you could find you know your wish would go with it. It would get swallowed in the atmosphere and burn with the hunk of rock and not even manage to make it back down.
And every night when the clock hits just right, you see it. You see her perfect tears and her perfect face. You see her feather-like hair ruffled as she ran away. You see only that moment and you see only her. And you feel your feet start to itch because you should have moved.
You should have ran after her.