Loosing myself in the haze, the fog, the smoke
Just a breath to relax and a choke to forget
A little cough isn’t too bad when it makes you feel alright
She tells me to keep going, to breathe it in just to feel
So I do and I live and I walk but am I ever really here?
It happens at first, I can hear her assuring voice, and it’s normal
So again and again and it is normal.
Just a swallow and a gag to get it down and
A few minutes later and I’m on clouds.
Suddenly the world’s not so bad and I can leave everything
If not just for a little while – that’s not so bad
Then reality sucks and I can’t look at it; it’s revolting.
More swallows, forget the water, I need it fast and now
Just a little more, just a little fast and I’m talking about it
All that glitters isn’t golden but I’m fucking shiny.
Just a little more just a little bit sooner than I’ve been told
And it works and I’m okay and no one notices the scars
No one notices the pasty skin, the thinning hair, the teeth yellowing
I’ve always worn a belt, who cares if it’s a few notches tighter?
Just a little more just a little faster but this time it’s not enough
This time I see the world and all of the ugly faces
This time the mirror’s in front of me and I fucking hate what’s staring back
And, fuck, drink a little and then a little more
Swallow, swallow, just a few more pricks of the skin
And I’m feeling okay, I’m feel better, it doesn’t matter that my chest hurts
It doesn’t matter that I’m swimming in the air though I’m on the ground
It doesn’t matter that I’m breathing in sunshine when my lungs aren’t working
And it doesn’t matter when my eyes close but I’m crying
And it doesn’t matter what they think or what I think or how they feel or how I feel
And nothing even matters at all because I’m okay and this is okay
I always thought I looked better in dirt.