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Secret Heart

I read something today, something Steven King once said…

“The most important things are the hardest to say. There are things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them. Words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried when you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for the want of a teller but for the want of an understanding ear.”

And I relate. And I realized that that is, in fact, exactly it. It’s not that I want my secrets to be kept in myself; it’s that I just need an understanding ear first. I can’t just blurt out everything I feel, everything I am. I couldn’t handle that kind of personal rejection. Or maybe I just don’t want to have to handle it.

Regular rejection hurts more than enough for me, thanks.

It seems sometimes that I don’t know myself. Then I read things that sound familiar, that click and just make sense. Just like the quote above. There are phrases that make my eyes sting and I keep it to myself because, well, that doesn’t seem normal to me. But maybe it is. At least for me it is. And I know I can’t be the only one that happens to.

I have so much inside that I swear is just ready to burst and I have all of these insane feelings that are just completely irrational sometimes and it’s hard to keep in.

My thoughts are in tangles, so is my tongue, and so is my mind.

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