Sometimes I lose myself. I lose myself in my thoughts; I get stuck in my head.
The past haunts me, as it does to many, many people. I’m often ashamed of what I’ve done, or what I never did. I’m scared I can’t outrun who I was or the mistakes I’ve made. The people I’ve met, some good, some bad, are all there in my head. It’s about time I let go.
I couldn’t stop things from happening and I couldn’t change what is now in the past. Sometimes I would like to talk to Father Time and coax him into making the clock reverse. I’d change so many things.
But because I get so lost in the past, I let things pass me by in the present. I get stuck in my head and my heart can’t move on. It can’t take all the experiences and learn from them since I’m still living them in my mind.
In front of my eyes I see how people change; I see how people come and go, and how some of them might stay. The memories in my head are where I lurk. It’s where I sit and stay for a while, looking around and wishing on everything for things to somehow change and be different. It’s often hard for me to leave.
It’s not only the bad memories I need to let go, but also the good ones. I’ve realized that I can’t make new ones if I don’t let go of the old, even if I want to. Even if I’m scared to.
Change and the unknown are naturally frightening and nerve-wracking. But it has to be done in order to grow as a person. I’ve done a lot of moving on and leaving memories behind, but I still have much more to let go of.
I don’t want to lose who I am, but I don’t want to be at a stalemate with myself. I want to continue to grow and better myself, better how I think and how I see the world and all of its inhabitants. It’s hard and I’ve been wrestling with the notion of finally letting go and moving on. I’ve sampled how much better off I’ll be but still I’m scared.
While people change, even without notice, it’ not always for the better, and I don’t want that to happen to me. I don’t want to be closed off, closed-minded, or closed-hearted. I want to trust again, love again, and smile and laugh freely without a weight on my chest. And because of that, I’ll learn to let go.
The chains of my past are tethered to my heart and my mind, but I’ll let them go when I can.
I just need to gather the strength to, first.